Thursday, April 27, 2006 

Life in a Haze.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I have put in for another job. Yep that is right, I plan to continue college with the part-time position I have along with (hopefully) this other position I have put in for this week.

I tell ya, we need more money to manage. We had some in both accounts, but my husband can’t seem to keep money and not mess with it. I didn’t know we could transfer from savings to checking with no fees. That is the purpose I opened these new accounts for us because you could only have one withdrawal a month. But gheez he has been taking it from savings as fast as it is going in there and now we broke. We are back to week to week – check to check living. I hate this, not having money to get my kid clothes when she is growing like a weed.

Lord have mercy on us. I agreed to sell the riding lawnmower for the money to go into savings, and before the slip could be signed; my hubby got a speeding ticket, so there went the money.

Freak! I get tired of having to be his momma. I wanted a man to take care of me and I am constantly walking around behind him taking care of him and the kid. Did you wash your hands, pick your clothes up, we trying to save money for the house – do you really need that? Aargh, I am tired of bitching. –Suppress it, Suppress it-

I work and go to school and the house sits and waits on me. It is my fault I guess I spoiled them and now I am in hell. Hubby comes home and gets on phone and talks to anyone, everyone that will sit and talk with him for minutes, hours at a time. I mean get off the phone from one person and immediately call another. Like a chain-smoker. Yea that is what he reminds me of and he will laugh at me that I talk a lot when really it is him.

I really have always thought my hubby to be good with numbers but now I am beginning to wonder if I have been living my life with him in a haze. He can’t keep money on him for nothing. I try to keep him some cash so he can eat and such while away from the house and he will spend it in a day. Gheez yesterday the guys took up money at work to get some meat to put on the grill and gave it to my hubby for him to go and get and bring back to work, and when he got home and wanted me to go ride with him. He reveals to me he already spent some of the money and we needed to put some cash back in the pot. I just got silent.

Is this it for us? I mean, when will he start to be the man and take care of me in other ways than just work. Yes thank Jesus he goes to work. He has worked since we have known each other and I am thankful for that. But is that it? Is that all I should expect from him?

I think sometimes I guess that is all he can produce. So I better continue to do it all or it will fall apart. And believe me if I sit and not handle it, it will crumble. I try to pull back and let him take on more responsibility and he will not. Like the checkbook, he will not keep it up. It is so annoying to have to keep up with his and mine expenses. Bills, yes I have been the one to pay them always.

Then there is the house, I do dishes, clothes, cleaning, even take trash out. Gheez I let the house go a week and didn’t even move the vacuum cleaner. Do you think he or kid did? No they did not. I was embarrassed; they were getting clothes out of dirty basket to wear each day. I seen this is my job and to keep it up and stop expecting someone to help with it.

My hubby tells me “I am the victim.” So I feel bad that I do this to him and kid. I must stop doing this and keep things up consistently.

He is out now hunting and that is why I am able to chat with you for some time now.

We need more money, so I am getting another part-time job; which will make a full time job. I will work nights and Saturdays. Hopefully I can hide some money somewhere.

I do worry we will never get our house. I do worry we will always be right here where we are now. I feel this especially when he tells me what is wrong with living here, it is nice. I know right then that this is it? He just doesn’t want anymore. He is happy I guess, content with the way things are now.

Something must be wrong with me to think of things like this, to dream what I dream. I am not content or satisfied. I guess I need more therapy than I thought. Hubby gets upset with me for not being content. I am always thinking of the future and wanting more. Sometimes I feel like it is my dreams that keep me sane.

Secret: I think sometimes of what it would be like without them. I would be happy and not walking on eggshells with kid. I would not have someone always pawing at me and my ass and refereeing to me as some sort of playmate for his pleasure when ever he wants it. I sometimes want time away from them, but feel guilty just going to the gym or any other pleasure activity without them. So work, this could be the ticket. Make some extra money, actually another check and hopefully hide some somewhere. But where?

Am I destined to always be poor? I wanted to learn in college how to manage money to be better with it so we can maybe have a house. I was hoping we would. But I see now if I don’t get a handle on this situation we will be in a box somewhere.

Tired of this subject for today.