Wednesday, March 29, 2006 

... The Walls are Clean ...

Today was a great day from the beginning. I took my fur-kid out first thing like always and just knew I felt great today. I began, after hubby and my daughter went off for their day.

Yes I did it! I Cleaned the Walls!

My house has officially been Spring Cleaned – from Top to Bottom.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 

... To Teach or Not to Teach ...

Did I tell you I am going to College full-time and I work part-time? I started school to get out of the house in hopes it would help my depression. My doctor knew I Love working on the computer and suggested I go for something in that area.

Well I started College for something in computers and the advisors suggest Technology. Of course as I continue my education I see a change in me. I want to be more, I want to help others and still work with computers.

Don’t laugh but I would like to be a Teacher. You’re laughing aren’t you? I know; I too have moments when I am wound tight and I know I will be a great teacher. I even took the Myers Brigg Test with recommendation of one of my College Teachers and it showed Teaching on my career list and my personality is a guardian.

Then days like today I begin to wonder. Will my students see this way I am? Will I be able to suppress this as I am in front of students on a regular basis?

4:02 P.M. My daughter is home from school now and I wonder what have I taught her. How can I pursue a Teaching career when I don’t teach my daughter? W hen my daughter was two, she followed me everywhere, then I went to bed one night and woke up to her being 9 years old. I honestly don’t remember that in-between with her. I slept a lot, my doctor had me on meds for Thyroid and depression and stress, shoot I know I slept during the day, and night. I would get up for short periods and then go back to bed. My mother-in-law kept my daughter sometimes and I am thankful for her.

I feel terrible about that and I have tried to make up for all that negative I have placed in her life by being the best mom I can be now. I spend as much time with her as I can and she will allow me. She is eleven; soon to be twelve she has moments when she doesn’t want to be around mom or dad.

… Session time over …

 

... Bipolar Ramblings ...

I guess I should tell you I have been diagnosed with Bipolar. I have been going to a Doctor for years and the longer I go the more we learn and now recently my Doctor says he believes me to be Unipolar.

I must tell you that one is a little harder to look up on the internet; there just is not that much out there that I am finding at the moment.

[I understand Bipolar to be a person that has extreme Highs and Lows. Which I do! But I have them –sometimes- together and this makes me feel crazy. So my doctor says that is Unipolar; feeling sad and happy at the same time. Oh my husband says I have this one also. But he tells me I am always mad at someone. Hmmm, maybe I need Therapy.

But it is not like it is going away so I have plenty of time to find out loads of information on exactly what type of depression I have; but I know one thing for sure, I have depression problem.

Today I am finding it hard to get motivated. I feel down-time coming on, or maybe it is here. When I get down, I call them funks. Sometimes I might bounce right out of it, or like other times it lasts about two weeks. Then I am right back to my high running self; this is Mania.

I had full intention when I was on break from college to get my house walls cleaned and just to do over-all spring cleaning. But when the time got here, I am like this not moving fast, just want to sit and read or chill with the TV, or my new Therapy-Blog.

I had a feeling this would happen, I don’t understand everything but I know that I enjoy a clean organized house and during school it is hard to keep it up by myself and study and work. But I feel it is my job to be the Best mom and wife and that means keep house up no matter what else I am doing. Then it is like a voice inside says “They should help” and next thing I know I speak up about them helping around the house and I get the looks and then I feel like a horrible mom/wife for bringing it up and not having it clean. How dare I put work ahead of my child, or school ahead of my husband? How can I succeed in the world if I can’t succeed at home?

… Session time over …

 

... Ramblings one ...

I am sitting here watching FOX & Friends News with Steve, ED and Brian. When Steve starts to do his segment on the Weather he speaks “We are getting this information from Google Maps.” I thought that was just worth mentioning since it got my attention up on the TV Screen and off my Laptop Screen momentarily.

Wow I am so glad I waited to start my day of cleaning and watched My Friends @ Fox because they had a speaker come on with her two Yorkies and she spoke how they have saved her life. I wrote in an earlier post how I feel my Chihuahua has kept me going. She has wrote a book “Living a Dog's Life, Jazzy, Juicy, and Me by Cindy Adams

→ Personal note:
I think I may have made the mistake of letting my husband look at my blog aka my therapy sessions. I didn’t think it would bother him or be a big deal, but he got quiet and looked at me odd. After much silence he looked at me and said, I can’t make sense of it.

→ I felt sad. I wanted it to be secret / private, but at that moment I wanted some recognition for all my work on it, I wanted some feedback. I should have waited for you to give me the feedback I needed. Now my husband looks at me with pity. I made the mistake once; I will not let him in my Therapy Sessions again. It is just best for him and me. I think He likes to look at me as strong and I believe I too like Him to think of me as strong, not someone needing Therapy.

… Session time over …

Monday, March 27, 2006 

... Chihuahua ...

I wanted to share about my Fur-kid with you because I honestly believe GOD put her in my life to keep me a cheer.

She is a Long-Haired Chihuahua. She turned one on Feb.1st and she is only three lbs, little more or little less that is as big as she will get. Now she and I can get bigger in the middle but that is it.

She is my treasure, my peace at the end of a day. She gives me unconditional love and reminds me life is short & simple and to stay calm. She gets me outside when I want to stay in - and is with me when everyone else is off busy. I am never alone.

You know you are never truly alone because GOD is always with us, but we forget- I think because we can not touch Him - so we feel alone and get depressed… But I believe GOD is using my Fur-kid to reach me. Think about it for a moment, GOD would use us humans more if we would listen to him. But we get so busy we can’t hear him, but animals hear him and praise him constantly. So he can work through them to reach us.

I see you looking at me like I am crazy. But you can’t tell me that you sit down with your doggie, cat or bunny rabbit and you pet them and hug them and you don’t begin to feel calm, relaxed and overall better.

Sunday, March 26, 2006 

... The Beginning ...

Today I begin Blog Therapy. I hope by sharing my moods I will help another as I help myself.

I tried to think of a pertinent name, and thought of the Music group “DC-Talk” their song ‘Minds Eye’ and that was it for me.

I heard someone say one day: “This life is a mess, you must have faith or all you have is the mess.” That is so true for me and I know for you. My mind is a racing subway and it takes GOD to slow it so I can have piece. He keeps me balanced with his words and his workings through others to touch me. I am, because He is.

I do have issues that I would like to share but in private. I am scared to share with family or friends for the looks they will give me from that moment on. I don’t want that added stress so I come to blog in piece with strangers who will read what I share and maybe give some insight to why my mind wonders.

I wake up every morning pretending that I’m okay. Sometimes I don’t know who I am. But as for today I am good. I have wanted to start blog-therapy for a long time and today I am taking the time to begin – because there are some days I am down and really need help and my family just look at me like I am crazy. I have even been told to suck it up and get a grip on reality.

So this is where I come to lay on my couch and type on my laptop and share my manic mind’s wonderings. I am new to this and will have to learn all the ropes as I go, like do I post one time a day or multiple times. I will learn from you or as I read more on the site.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Believe me more will come.