Thursday, April 27, 2006 

Life in a Haze.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I have put in for another job. Yep that is right, I plan to continue college with the part-time position I have along with (hopefully) this other position I have put in for this week.

I tell ya, we need more money to manage. We had some in both accounts, but my husband can’t seem to keep money and not mess with it. I didn’t know we could transfer from savings to checking with no fees. That is the purpose I opened these new accounts for us because you could only have one withdrawal a month. But gheez he has been taking it from savings as fast as it is going in there and now we broke. We are back to week to week – check to check living. I hate this, not having money to get my kid clothes when she is growing like a weed.

Lord have mercy on us. I agreed to sell the riding lawnmower for the money to go into savings, and before the slip could be signed; my hubby got a speeding ticket, so there went the money.

Freak! I get tired of having to be his momma. I wanted a man to take care of me and I am constantly walking around behind him taking care of him and the kid. Did you wash your hands, pick your clothes up, we trying to save money for the house – do you really need that? Aargh, I am tired of bitching. –Suppress it, Suppress it-

I work and go to school and the house sits and waits on me. It is my fault I guess I spoiled them and now I am in hell. Hubby comes home and gets on phone and talks to anyone, everyone that will sit and talk with him for minutes, hours at a time. I mean get off the phone from one person and immediately call another. Like a chain-smoker. Yea that is what he reminds me of and he will laugh at me that I talk a lot when really it is him.

I really have always thought my hubby to be good with numbers but now I am beginning to wonder if I have been living my life with him in a haze. He can’t keep money on him for nothing. I try to keep him some cash so he can eat and such while away from the house and he will spend it in a day. Gheez yesterday the guys took up money at work to get some meat to put on the grill and gave it to my hubby for him to go and get and bring back to work, and when he got home and wanted me to go ride with him. He reveals to me he already spent some of the money and we needed to put some cash back in the pot. I just got silent.

Is this it for us? I mean, when will he start to be the man and take care of me in other ways than just work. Yes thank Jesus he goes to work. He has worked since we have known each other and I am thankful for that. But is that it? Is that all I should expect from him?

I think sometimes I guess that is all he can produce. So I better continue to do it all or it will fall apart. And believe me if I sit and not handle it, it will crumble. I try to pull back and let him take on more responsibility and he will not. Like the checkbook, he will not keep it up. It is so annoying to have to keep up with his and mine expenses. Bills, yes I have been the one to pay them always.

Then there is the house, I do dishes, clothes, cleaning, even take trash out. Gheez I let the house go a week and didn’t even move the vacuum cleaner. Do you think he or kid did? No they did not. I was embarrassed; they were getting clothes out of dirty basket to wear each day. I seen this is my job and to keep it up and stop expecting someone to help with it.

My hubby tells me “I am the victim.” So I feel bad that I do this to him and kid. I must stop doing this and keep things up consistently.

He is out now hunting and that is why I am able to chat with you for some time now.

We need more money, so I am getting another part-time job; which will make a full time job. I will work nights and Saturdays. Hopefully I can hide some money somewhere.

I do worry we will never get our house. I do worry we will always be right here where we are now. I feel this especially when he tells me what is wrong with living here, it is nice. I know right then that this is it? He just doesn’t want anymore. He is happy I guess, content with the way things are now.

Something must be wrong with me to think of things like this, to dream what I dream. I am not content or satisfied. I guess I need more therapy than I thought. Hubby gets upset with me for not being content. I am always thinking of the future and wanting more. Sometimes I feel like it is my dreams that keep me sane.

Secret: I think sometimes of what it would be like without them. I would be happy and not walking on eggshells with kid. I would not have someone always pawing at me and my ass and refereeing to me as some sort of playmate for his pleasure when ever he wants it. I sometimes want time away from them, but feel guilty just going to the gym or any other pleasure activity without them. So work, this could be the ticket. Make some extra money, actually another check and hopefully hide some somewhere. But where?

Am I destined to always be poor? I wanted to learn in college how to manage money to be better with it so we can maybe have a house. I was hoping we would. But I see now if I don’t get a handle on this situation we will be in a box somewhere.

Tired of this subject for today.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 

Wednesday I welcome you.

I deleted all the messengers off my computer this morning; I just don’t care to chat with anyone anymore. I had one really good friend I thought and I kept this one messenger just for her and I to chat. Well last time I chatted with her, she went off telling me her hubby cheating and all about the kids and on and on , me sitting here reading and believing and about to boohoo for her when she goes APRIL FOOLS; we really not getting divorced or in therapy , none of it was true.

I was shocked:

I won’t be gullible like that again; really friends on this computer are face less with no feelings. So I don’t want to chat with anyone and deleted them messengers. Well except that msn one I will have to do a little more to kill it, but I will later today.

Friends are non-existent. The only friend I have is my doggie.

Have you seen the PINK video ‘Stupid Girls’? It is kool I will have to get that CD. ONM, I have it. lol But the video is cool.

There it is the perfect song:

Daniel Powter ‘Bad Day’ -à Kool Video also. You know this is the song they play for the off voted American Idol’s?

Ok off for a Wednesday.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 

... Husband ...

I need someone to tell me if this normal or not because I am not sure. My husband is jealous of our child. I mean like for example the kid and I sat up till 11p.m Friday night playing games on the computer having fun. The next morning when we got up my husband was acting oddly and at first I didn’t know what was wrong with him and asked is everything ok? He said yes but was still acting odd. Later on he mentions us being up all night on the computer. Right then it hit me in the head like a brick. He was upset because we stayed up and played games.

It is crazy around here sometimes, well all the time really but most of the time I suppress all of it and sometimes I can’t take it all in any more and I blow. My child is jealous of time I spend with hubby and hubby is time I spend with child.

We went out-of-town for Easter this weekend. I can’t tell you how many times my husband spoke of leaving her behind with someone and coming alone. I can’t count the times he refers to sex. Gheez it is from the moment he wakes up and all freaking day. It is so annoying. YES I give to him regularly. I give to him a lot more than I use to. And I have proof, I write it in my day planner when we do, because he always refers to its been DAYS since he’s had it and needs it soon or he will be ill.

This is a day in my life.

I come home from school or work / which ever and hang with kid for a bit before hubby gets home from work and when he does she gets all puffed up and runs off to her room not wanting to be around him because of he doesn’t notice her, only me. I try to talk to him about this and he gets defensive about it and it is dropped. I have cried and yelled but he is who he is.

Neither my dad, or my brother like him, so I can never get there manly advice. I am love him dearly, but he gets on my nerves at times. Like this morning going on and o n about sex and spoke of my couter and I harshly looked at him and said don’t say that in from of the kid and he was like ‘kid can’t hear me’.

Gheez, it is why I suppress it. I just get full after a while and it has to come out somewhere, so that is another reason I need this therapy.

… Session time over …

Thursday, April 13, 2006 

... Ramblings of a Mad Woman ...

I have been away in my mind. Visiting was not in the agenda. No - not even you. You ever get to a time when you don't feel like being around anyone, you don't want them coming over or you going to see them. Well that is where I have been.

I started this week wanting to continue with my therapy, so I did some ramblings for our visit.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Wow a lot has happened since we last talked. School has started back and I have been so extremely busy with that and work. I was coming home right after work but soon realized I couldn’t get any homework done here so now I stay at school in Study-Hall till no later than 5 p.m.

My husband is having a hard time with my schedule this term and it has put a bit of a strain on us, but I believe and know we will be stronger in the end when I finish.

I work part-time so I am not bringing in a lot of the income and when that little check does come in, it only comes once a month. So needless to say my husband is the only major income coming in and he likes the idea of saving money but the money just don’t seem to make it from his pocket to the savings. But he likes to talk about how much we have saved. lol

I have my little check set up to direct deposit and then money to transfer into the savings account.

I admit – I am a dreamer! I dream of how life will be in the future at almost all times, it is what motivates me to keep going to want more for myself and my family.

I want to be able to go off somewhere with my family and not worry about where the money is coming from and having to budget for it or maybe even just not pay a bill for that week so we can go and enjoy ourselves.

I want to do a service that I enjoy as well as have a nice check to look forward to at the end of the month.

I want to be able to take my daughter to town and buy her all the clothes that she needs and not think of “Do I have enough money”? What a horrid way to raise a child, they get so use to you talking about not having money they begin to suppress their dreams in fear – No money – always broke – always poor.

That is another reason I went back to school – for my child. So really I have revived myself just by typing this for Therapy.

Hey wow this Therapy really is working. I will remember this and come to Therapy more often – instead of putting you off like I have been.


Thursday, April 13, 2006

I sent an email to one of my advisors about dropping her class. I hope I can do it without any hassle. I mean if it means getting a WF then I will keep the class and push forward.

But if I can get out of it right now and be ok then I will, because I have too much on my plate at the moment and I am stretched to a breaking point.

I just can’t take a lot of classes like some do, my hubby and child are demanding and if they don’t have their time they are like me and get cranky. Plus we are suppose to be on chapter 2 and I am not done with one yet – really haven’t even read over it all good.

My other three classes will be fine, two of them are demanding. They require a lot of homework and time. One of the classes requires me to use software that is only available at school. The other requires software that I can use at home so between the two I am always busy. I hope all goes well today.

… Session time over …

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 

... The Walls are Clean ...

Today was a great day from the beginning. I took my fur-kid out first thing like always and just knew I felt great today. I began, after hubby and my daughter went off for their day.

Yes I did it! I Cleaned the Walls!

My house has officially been Spring Cleaned – from Top to Bottom.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 

... To Teach or Not to Teach ...

Did I tell you I am going to College full-time and I work part-time? I started school to get out of the house in hopes it would help my depression. My doctor knew I Love working on the computer and suggested I go for something in that area.

Well I started College for something in computers and the advisors suggest Technology. Of course as I continue my education I see a change in me. I want to be more, I want to help others and still work with computers.

Don’t laugh but I would like to be a Teacher. You’re laughing aren’t you? I know; I too have moments when I am wound tight and I know I will be a great teacher. I even took the Myers Brigg Test with recommendation of one of my College Teachers and it showed Teaching on my career list and my personality is a guardian.

Then days like today I begin to wonder. Will my students see this way I am? Will I be able to suppress this as I am in front of students on a regular basis?

4:02 P.M. My daughter is home from school now and I wonder what have I taught her. How can I pursue a Teaching career when I don’t teach my daughter? W hen my daughter was two, she followed me everywhere, then I went to bed one night and woke up to her being 9 years old. I honestly don’t remember that in-between with her. I slept a lot, my doctor had me on meds for Thyroid and depression and stress, shoot I know I slept during the day, and night. I would get up for short periods and then go back to bed. My mother-in-law kept my daughter sometimes and I am thankful for her.

I feel terrible about that and I have tried to make up for all that negative I have placed in her life by being the best mom I can be now. I spend as much time with her as I can and she will allow me. She is eleven; soon to be twelve she has moments when she doesn’t want to be around mom or dad.

… Session time over …


... Bipolar Ramblings ...

I guess I should tell you I have been diagnosed with Bipolar. I have been going to a Doctor for years and the longer I go the more we learn and now recently my Doctor says he believes me to be Unipolar.

I must tell you that one is a little harder to look up on the internet; there just is not that much out there that I am finding at the moment.

[I understand Bipolar to be a person that has extreme Highs and Lows. Which I do! But I have them –sometimes- together and this makes me feel crazy. So my doctor says that is Unipolar; feeling sad and happy at the same time. Oh my husband says I have this one also. But he tells me I am always mad at someone. Hmmm, maybe I need Therapy.

But it is not like it is going away so I have plenty of time to find out loads of information on exactly what type of depression I have; but I know one thing for sure, I have depression problem.

Today I am finding it hard to get motivated. I feel down-time coming on, or maybe it is here. When I get down, I call them funks. Sometimes I might bounce right out of it, or like other times it lasts about two weeks. Then I am right back to my high running self; this is Mania.

I had full intention when I was on break from college to get my house walls cleaned and just to do over-all spring cleaning. But when the time got here, I am like this not moving fast, just want to sit and read or chill with the TV, or my new Therapy-Blog.

I had a feeling this would happen, I don’t understand everything but I know that I enjoy a clean organized house and during school it is hard to keep it up by myself and study and work. But I feel it is my job to be the Best mom and wife and that means keep house up no matter what else I am doing. Then it is like a voice inside says “They should help” and next thing I know I speak up about them helping around the house and I get the looks and then I feel like a horrible mom/wife for bringing it up and not having it clean. How dare I put work ahead of my child, or school ahead of my husband? How can I succeed in the world if I can’t succeed at home?

… Session time over …


... Ramblings one ...

I am sitting here watching FOX & Friends News with Steve, ED and Brian. When Steve starts to do his segment on the Weather he speaks “We are getting this information from Google Maps.” I thought that was just worth mentioning since it got my attention up on the TV Screen and off my Laptop Screen momentarily.

Wow I am so glad I waited to start my day of cleaning and watched My Friends @ Fox because they had a speaker come on with her two Yorkies and she spoke how they have saved her life. I wrote in an earlier post how I feel my Chihuahua has kept me going. She has wrote a book “Living a Dog's Life, Jazzy, Juicy, and Me by Cindy Adams

→ Personal note:
I think I may have made the mistake of letting my husband look at my blog aka my therapy sessions. I didn’t think it would bother him or be a big deal, but he got quiet and looked at me odd. After much silence he looked at me and said, I can’t make sense of it.

→ I felt sad. I wanted it to be secret / private, but at that moment I wanted some recognition for all my work on it, I wanted some feedback. I should have waited for you to give me the feedback I needed. Now my husband looks at me with pity. I made the mistake once; I will not let him in my Therapy Sessions again. It is just best for him and me. I think He likes to look at me as strong and I believe I too like Him to think of me as strong, not someone needing Therapy.

… Session time over …

Monday, March 27, 2006 

... Chihuahua ...

I wanted to share about my Fur-kid with you because I honestly believe GOD put her in my life to keep me a cheer.

She is a Long-Haired Chihuahua. She turned one on Feb.1st and she is only three lbs, little more or little less that is as big as she will get. Now she and I can get bigger in the middle but that is it.

She is my treasure, my peace at the end of a day. She gives me unconditional love and reminds me life is short & simple and to stay calm. She gets me outside when I want to stay in - and is with me when everyone else is off busy. I am never alone.

You know you are never truly alone because GOD is always with us, but we forget- I think because we can not touch Him - so we feel alone and get depressed… But I believe GOD is using my Fur-kid to reach me. Think about it for a moment, GOD would use us humans more if we would listen to him. But we get so busy we can’t hear him, but animals hear him and praise him constantly. So he can work through them to reach us.

I see you looking at me like I am crazy. But you can’t tell me that you sit down with your doggie, cat or bunny rabbit and you pet them and hug them and you don’t begin to feel calm, relaxed and overall better.